Funny Moments in Litigation

Law practice is very, very, very, very stressful (ever wondered why so many lawyers die of heart-related problems?). Yet, even with the heavy atmosphere in court, there are funny moments. Let’s relax for a while and go through these lawyer-witness interactions in U.S. courts (which went around through email months, or years, ago).

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

11 comments

  1. Despite that I’ve read these jokes over and over again, I never get enough of it still. Funny as ever, these lawyer jokes.

    In my analysis, lawyers often sounded dumb and seemingly mindless because of the need of teswtimonies to be very exact, asking queries that are already obvious but need be put on record in the most clear manner, and not leave any doubt whatsoever, thus such question, “But was it possible that he was still alive at that moment?”, despite that the man’s brain is sitting in a jar.

  2. Major Tom, same here, which is the reason why I decided to post it. It is sometimes necessary to appear dumb to keep the witness off-balance. On the other hand, there are really dumb questions. The line is usually blurred =)

  3. I’ve heard and read a lot of lawyer’s jokes. And it keeps me laughing. This is perhaps one of the many reasons why a lot of people want to become lawyers. With all the jokes and funny stories about lawyers, it’s really a “noble” profession (laughs)!

  4. Panyero, it is a noble profession, but lawyers are also human beings. Anyone, I guess everyone has his (comic) day in court.

  5. Let me share with you this one old joke I posted in my office:

    What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

    Answer:

    A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
    A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

  6. Atty. Glenn, I’m terribly sorry if I have to disagree. I hate to be a killjoy or something, but I believe it’s more below the belt than funny. It’s a joke, of course, and what’s funny is subjective, that’s why I have to apologize. Still, there are efforts to address the view that lawyers intentionally drag cases for years. It’s unfair to those who are doing their little way to erase this perception.

  7. I applaud Assoc. Justice Antonio T. Carpio for writing the decision in the case of Lambino versus Comelec. It creates trust among the populace. The integrity of the judiciary is once again vindicated. Nothing can be added to to improve the decision. It is always a joy and inspiration to find men who cannot be bought or sold. Men who in their inmost souls are true and honest. Men who do not fear to call sin by its right name. Men whose conscience is as true to duty as the needle to the pole. Men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall.

  8. I am a clinical psychologist, and i am one of those practitioner who charge client with a very least clinical fees. I never accept cases for sometime because my partner lawyers charge our client more than what i charge. After their referral for clinical evaluation, they really try to ask for discounta, and you well know that lawyer/ counsel charges the client ,as much as hundred thousand or more and if they cannot filed the petition after the client had paid them, they would advise their client to ask their psychologist/ psychiatrist why the petition was not yet filed. As far as we are concerned, payments for our clinical evaluation must be set aside, or depending on what agreement are in between. May some of the lawyers be kind enough to file the petitioners complaint after payment of the acceptance fee, coz we psychologist are doing our part to make the case updated and worth at the most. Thank you very much. Lanni

  9. Very Funny!!! Despite reading these jokes over and over again, I can’t get enough.

    Enjoyed Glenn M. Mortel post. FUNNY!!

    A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
    A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

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