Things you’d love to say at work, but can’t

Here’s something that made me smile. This email made the rounds some time ago and, as usual, the author is not indicated in the email…will be more than glad to acknowledge authorship if someone steps up.

1. Ahhh … I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5 . I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

18. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

19. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

21. And your crybaby, whiny-butt opinion would be …?

22. Do I look like a people person?

23. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

24. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

26. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

29. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

31. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

34. Chaos, panic and disorder — my work is done here.

35. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck

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